Michigan doesn’t know Jack

Say it ain’t so. The (usually) business-friendly state of Tennessee might lose a Tennessee institution to, of all states, Michigan. Over a tax dispute.

Yes, Michigan, home to crappy weather, crappy government-owned car makers, crappy high taxes. Michigan, home of loser sports teams, teams that lose even when they taunt you with some wins (take your bow, Tigers and, soon, Lions). Michigan, home to the Fourth World hellhole that used to called Detroit.

Yes, that Michigan, the state that’s been going downhill for decades, will actually attempt to lure a thriving world-class business. What a strange world we now live in…

I drink Jack; neat, thank you. Now listen carefully, you folks down there in the other Lynchburg in Tennessee: Jack Daniels is Tennessee whiskey. Tennessee whiskey is good corn liquor, and Jack is the brand that personifies this kind of whiskey. Don’t you dare let Jack Daniels leave Tennessee; do whatever it takes to keep Tennessee whiskey in Tennessee.

There is no such thing as “Michigan whiskey.” At least none that won’t make you blind if you make the mistake of drinking it instead of its intended use as paint stripper.

Finally, on the whole notion of distilling American corn liquor whiskey north of the Mason-Dixon Line: It can be done, but it would be wrong.


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